Insults
"You
have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad
breeding, and a vulgar manner." (Aristophanes)
"Writers
are interesting people, but often mean and petty." (Lillian
Hellman)
"Nature
not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the
ability to write." (A. E. Housman)
"His
ignorance is encyclopedic." (Abba Eban)
"He can
compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know." (Abraham Lincoln)
"Abstract
art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly
bewildered." (Al Capp)
"So
boring you fall asleep halfway through her name." (Alan
Bennett)
"Nature
played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed
mustache." (Alan Bennett)
"A
brain of feathers, and a heart of lead." (Alexander
Pope)
"A wit
with dunces, and a dunce with wits." (Alexander Pope)
"She
was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers." (Alexander
Woollcott)
"He was
as great as a man can be without morality." (Alexis de
Tocqueville)
"He
used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support, not
illumination." (Andrew Lang)
"He's
liked, but he's not well liked." (Arthur Miller)
"We've
been through so much together, and most of it was your
fault." (Ashleigh Brilliant)
"Sometimes
I need what only you can provide: your absence." (Ashleigh
Brilliant)
"I will
always love the false image I had of you." (Ashleigh
Brilliant)
"I want
to reach your mind - where is it currently located?" (Ashleigh
Brilliant)
"He had
a big head and a face so ugly it became almost
fascinating." (Ayn Rand)
"I've
had them both, and I don't think much of either." (Beatrix
Lehmann (watching a wedding.))
"He was
distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong."
(Benjamin Disraeli)
"Little
things affect little minds." (Benjamin Disraeli)
"A
sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own
verbosity." (Benjamin Disraeli)
"There
goes the famous good time that was had by all." (Bette
Davis)
"He has
Van Gogh's ear for music." (Billy Wilder)
"She
not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to
it." (Bob Fosse)
"She's
the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the others by their
hunted expression." (C. S. Lewis)
"He'd
make a lovely corpse." (Charles Dickens)
"He was
one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to
use" them. (Charles Kingsley)
"His
voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented
with." (Charles Lamb)
"If you
ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?" (Charles
Pierce)
"She is
such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for
the pleasure of fishing them out again." (Charles
Talleyrand)
"In
order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded
easily." (Charles, Count Talleyrand)
"I have
never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." (Clarence Darrow)
"Please
try not to be such a wiener-head." (Dave Barry)
"I
never liked him and I always will." (Dave Clark)
"Differently
clued." (Dave Clark)
"Has
the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale." (David
Letterman)
"When
you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?" (David
Letterman)
"You
look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is
driving." (David Letterman)
"He has
sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his
soul." (David Lloyd George)
"He is
brilliant - to the top of his boots." (David Lloyd
George)
"Being
attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep." (Dennis
Healy)
"He was
about as useful in a crisis as a sheep." (Dorothy Eden)
"He was
so crooked, you could have used his spine for a
safety-pin." (Dorothy L. Sayers)
"That
woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of
them." (Dorothy Parker)
"If all
the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end, I wouldn't
be surprised." (Dorothy Parker)
"This
is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be hurled with
great force." (Dorothy Parker)
"That
young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it
has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid
meeting." (Douglas Adams)
"Is
that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?" (Dr. Gonzo)
"A
four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a
rooster." (Earl Long)
"He
never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one." (Earl
of Rochester)
"He's
so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code." (Earl Wilson)
"He
hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate
him." (Eddie Cantor)
"At
first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his
date." (Edith Massey in "Polyester")
"A
great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping
rabbits." (Edith Sitwell)
"Some
of my best leading men have been dogs and horses." (Elizabeth
Taylor)
"In her
single person she managed to produce the effect of a
majority." (Ellen Glascow)
"He
knows so little and knows it so fluently." (Ellen
Glasgow)
"She
looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere
else." (Elsa Lanchester)
"He is
so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a
time." (Eugene Field)
"I
would not want to put him in charge of snake control in
Ireland." (Eugene McCarthy)
"His
mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it."
(F. H. Bradley)
"Sharp
as a sack full of wet mice." (Foghorn Leghorn)
"He
loves nature in spite of what it did to him." (Forrest
Tucker)
"I like
long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me." (Fred Allen)
"He was
so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both
eyes." (Fred Allen)
"He's
so small, he's a waste of skin." (Fred Allen)
"Her
hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look ridiculous year
after year." (Fred Allen)
"What's
on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement." (Fred
Allen)
"Hanging
is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and
quoted." (Fred Allen)
"Your
idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same
time." (Frederic Raphael)
"Did
you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?" (from
"Heathers")
"What
has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!"
(from "Murphy Brown")
"Yeah,
she's beautiful, but you can't find her IQ with a
flashlight." (from "The Greatest American
Hero")
"End of
season sale at the cerebral department." (Gareth
Blackstock)
"An
editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone to look up
to." (Gene Fowler)
"The
trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power
of speech." (George Bernard Shaw)
"He
knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a
political career." (George Bernard Shaw)
"He had
a winning smile, but everything else was a loser." (George
C. Scott)
"She is
a water bug on the surface of life." (Gloria Steinem)
"You're
a parasite for sore eyes." (Gregory Ratoff)
"Why
don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run
out?" (Groucho Marx)
"Either
he's dead or my watch has stopped." (Groucho Marx)
"I
don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as
members." (Groucho Marx)
"I've
had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." (Groucho
Marx)
"I
married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when
you came along." (Groucho Marx)
"Remember
men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she
ever did." (Groucho Marx)
"Don't
look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's
you." (Groucho Marx)
"From
the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with
laughter. Some day I intend reading it." (Groucho Marx)
"Why
was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than
you do!" (Groucho Marx)
"Time
wounds all heels." (Groucho Marx)
"Well,
art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is
east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce
they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me
what you know." (Groucho Marx)
"You
know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?" (Groucho
Marx)
"Who
are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?" (Groucho
Marx)
"Do you
think I could buy back my introduction to you?" (Groucho
Marx)
"Don't
point that beard at me, it might go off." (Groucho Marx)
"I
never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an
exception." (Groucho Marx)
"She got
her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
(Groucho Marx)
"He may
look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He
really is an idiot." (Groucho Marx)
"You've
got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of
it." (Groucho Marx)
"I
didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain
was up." (Groucho Marx)
"I was
married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." (Groucho
Marx)
"Outside
of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to
read." (Groucho Marx )
"She's
descended from a long line her mother listened to." (Gypsy
Rose Lee)
"He is
one of those people who would be enormously improved by
death." (H. H. Munro)
"He
strains his conversation through a cigar." (Hamilton
Mabie)
"She
proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to
squirt the mixture at all her friends." (Harold
Nicholson)
"Debating
against him is no fun, say something insulting and he looks at you like a
whipped dog." (Harold Wilson)
"You
had to stand in line to hate him." (Hedda Hopper)
"Ordinarily
he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only
stupid." (Heinrich Heine)
"She
resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots
on her yellow skin." (Heinrich Heine)
"The
chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she
is." (Helen Rowland)
"He is
the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own
grease." (Henry James)
"Jazz:
Music invented for the torture of imbeciles." (Henry
VanDyke)
"He is
an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him." (Herbert
Beerbohm Tree)
"His
mind is so open that the wind whistles through it." (Heywood
Braun)
"They
don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he
should be castrated anyway." (Hunter S. Thompson)
"I've
just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." (Irvin S. Cobb)
"You
couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an
operation." (Irvin S. Cobb)
"I'll
bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the
stork." (Irving Brecher)
"Pushing
forty? She's hanging on for dear life." (Ivy
Compton-Burnett)
"There's
nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." (Jack
E. Leonard)
"Where
others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten
principles." (Jack London)
"She
should get a divorce and settle down." (Jack Paar)
"Modesty
is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call
girls." (Jackie Gleason)
"A
woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hinter legs. It is not done
well; but you are surprised to see it done at all." (James
Boswell)
"She
was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as
upholstered." (James Matthew Barrie)
"While
he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter
either." (James Thurber)
"She
never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her
conversation." (Jean Webster)
"It's
like cuddling with a Butterball turkey." (Jeff
Foxworthy)
"Greater
love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his
life." (Jeremy Thorpe)
"You're
a good example of why some animals eat their young." (Jim
Samuels)
"She's
so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees." (Joan
Rivers)
"You
were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped
coffin." (Joe Orton)
"Stay
with me; I want to be alone." (Joey Adams)
"He is
a self-made man and worships his creator." (John Bright)
"She's
got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang
together." (John Cantu)
"A
blank, helpless sort of face, rather like a rose just before you drench it with
DDT." (John Carey)
"I know
of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes all of the hours
of the waking day to the making of money for money's
sake." (John D. Rockefeller)
"Well,
I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in
the wind." (John Ehrlichman)
"He was
trying to save both his faces." (John Gunther)
"His
face was filled with broken commandments." (John
Masefield)
"His
smile is like the silver plate on a coffin." (John
Philpot Curran)
"His
face is livid, gaunt his whole body, his breath is green with gall; his tongue
drips poison." (John Quincy Adams)
"He is
a man of splendid abilities but utterly corrupt. He shines and stinks like
rotten mackerel by moonlight." (John Randolph)
"He
thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold." (John
Ruskin)
"He is
so stupid you can't trust him with an idea." (John
Steinbeck)
"Once a
woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her
body." (John Vanbrugh)
"He's
so fat, he can be his own running mate." (Johnny Carson)
"Fine
words! I wonder where you stole them." (Jonathan Swift)
"She
wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a
pitchfork." (Jonathan Swift)
"He
knew everything about literature except how to enjoy
it." (Joseph Heller)
"Some
men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have
mediocrity" thrust upon them. (Joseph Heller
"Catch-22")
"The
higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind."
(Joseph Stilwell)
"Doesn't
know much, but leads the league in nostril hair." (Josh
Billing)
"When I
see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for
the clothes." (Josh Billings)
"A dork
is a dork is a dork." (Judy Markey)
"He was
a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp." (Kate
Cruise O'Brien)
"Outside
every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in." (Katharine
Whitehorn)
"Some
folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than
others." (Kin Hubbard)
"I
thought men like that shot themselves." (King George V)
"He is
mad, bad and dangerous to know." (Lady Caroline Lamb)
"He
never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in
style." (Leo Tolstoy)
"He is
a fine friend. He stabs you in the front." (Leonard
Louis Levinson)
"I wish
I'd known you when you were alive." (Leonard Louis
Levinson)
"What
you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the
bank." (Liberace)
"Teflon
brain (nothing sticks.)" (Lily Tomlin)
"The
fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of
character." (Lyndon Johnson)
"His
mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." (Mae
West)
"The
finest woman that ever walked the streets." (Mae West)
"She's
the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by
wrong." (Mae West)
"He's
the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces." (Mae West)
"He
must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of
its own." (Margaret Halsey)
"Women
want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as
possible." (Margaret Mead)
"She
tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake." (Margot
Asquith)
"He's
very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head." (Margot
Asquith)
"He
could never see a belt without hitting below it." (Margot
Asquith)
"She
spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled
pig." (Margot Asquith)
"I
didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it." (Mark Twain)
"I
could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions
in sight." (Mark Twain)
"You
take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take
the malice out of him, and he'll disappear." (Mark
Twain)
"Be
careful when reading health books; you may die of a
misprint." (Mark Twain)
"He was
a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting
for a vacancy in the Trinity." (Mark Twain)
"Had
double chins all the way down to his stomach." (Mark
Twain)
"Why do
you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" (Mark Twain)
"He is
useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the
cabbages." (Mark Twain)
"His
ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it
anywhere." (Mark Twain)
"God
made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School
Board." (Mark Twain)
"Reader,
suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat
myself." (Mark Twain)
"Useless
as a pulled tooth." (Mary Roberts Rinehart)
"Behind
every great man, there is a surprised woman." (Maryon
Pearson)
"She
not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it
happens." (Michael Arlen)
"Why
are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human
beings?" (Milton Berle)
"He
must have killed a lot of men to have made so much
money." (Moliere)
"He was
so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes." (Molly Ivins)
"Thank you
for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading
it." (Moses Hadas)
"This
is one of those big, fat paperbacks, intended to while away a monsoon or two,
which, if thrown with a good over arm action, will bring a water buffalo to its
knees." (Nancy Banks-Smith (review of M. M. Kaye's
"The Far Pavilions"))
"Gee,
what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each
other." (Neil Simon)
"He's completely unspoiled by
failure." (Noel Coward)
"She
had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache." (Noel
Coward)
"I see
her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest
derriere." (Noël Coward)
"You
have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of
you." (Norm Papernick)
"He
makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin
prodigiously." (Oliver Goldsmith)
"A
woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more
often." (Oliver Herford)
"Every
time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be
lonesome." (Oscar Levant)
"Some
cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they
go." (Oscar Wilde)
"Only
dull people are brilliant at breakfast." (Oscar Wilde)
"He
would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his
tombstone." (Oscar Wilde)
"He has
no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." (Oscar
Wilde)
"I
don't recognize you - I've changed a lot." (Oscar Wilde)
"She is
a peacock in everything but beauty." (Oscar Wilde)
"A
gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings
unintentionally." (Oscar Wilde)
"He was
either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years,
or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by
trouble." (P. G. Wodehouse)
"Why
don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum."
(P. G. Wodehouse)
"He is
simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." (Paul
Keating)
"Her
only flair is in her nostrils." (Pauline Kael)
"He
made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds." (Percival
Wilde)
"A
woman will lie about anything, just to stay in
practice." (Phillip Marlowe)
"He
looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel
food." (Raymond Chandler)
"She
was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but
peanuts and filberts." (Raymond Chandler)
"No
more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers." (Rob
Wagner)
"I
regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion." (Robert
Louis Stevenson)
"He has
the attention span of a lightning bolt." (Robert Redford)
"She
has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of
people." (Robertson Davies)
"His
golf bag does not contain a full set of irons." (Robin
Williams)
"A
woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke." (Rudyard
Kipling)
"Women's
intuition is the result of millions of years of not
thinking." (Rupert Hughes)
"Her
skin was white as leprosy." (S. T. Coleridge)
"He was
born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright." (Samuel
Butler)
"He is
not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in
others." (Samuel Johnson)
"She
was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own
hand." (Saul Bellow)
"He is
as good as his word - and his word is no good." (Seamus
MacManus)
"If
there's anything disgusting about the movie business, it's the whoredom of my
peers." (Sean Penn)
"He
never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged." (Simone
Signoret)
"In the
United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of
negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical
hypochondriacs of history." (Spiro T. Agnew (about the
press, 1970))
"I feel
so miserable without you, it's almost like having you
here." (Stephen Bishop)
"I
can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the
quickest." (Steven Pearl)
"He not
only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop." (Sydney
Smith)
"She
never was really charming till she died." (Terence)
"They
never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." (Thomas Brackett Reed)
"A
mental midget with the IQ of a fence post." (Tom Waits)
"Next-day
delivery in a nanosecond world." (Van Jacobson)
"He was
happily married - but his wife wasn't." (Victor Borge)
"God
was bored by him." (Victor Hugo)
"Women
are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own
one." (W. C. Fields)
"No one
can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little
beast." (W. S. Gilbert)
"She
plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a
channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the
obvious." (W. Somerset Maugham)
"She
had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for
wit." (W. Somerset Maugham)
"He had
delusions of adequacy." (Walter Kerr)
"She's
been on more laps than a napkin." (Walter Winchell)
"She
was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat
bin." (Will Rogers)
"Some
people stay longer in an hour than others can in a
week." (William Dean Howells)
"He was
one of the nicest old ladies I ever met." (William
Faulkner)
"The
perfection of rottenness." (William James)
"The
greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread." (William
Keegan)
"If he
ever had a bright idea it would be beginner's luck." (William
Lashner "Veritas")
"He
makes a July's day short as December." (William
Shakespeare)
"The
tautness of his face sours ripe grapes." (William
Shakespeare)
"You're
a mouse studying to be a rat." (Wilson Mizner)
"He's
the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal
soup." (Wilson Mizner)
"Failure
has gone to his head." (Wilson Mizner)
"He's a
trellis for varicose veins." (Wilson Mizner)
"Everyone
has his day and some days last longer than others." (Winston
Churchill)
"There
but for the grace of God, goes God." (Winston Churchill)
"He has
all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I
admire." (Winston Churchill)
"A
modest little person, with much to be modest about." (Winston
Churchill)
"I'd
call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead
horse." (Woody Allen)
"Her
figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a
yak." (Woody Allen)