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Jokes
Classic
quotes Gripesheet Proverbs Signs
Classic, great quotes, collected from the
web
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have
a clear case for divorce and so will my wife
Whatever it is I'm against it.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy,
and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
Room service?
Send up a larger room.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
One morning I shot an elephant in my
pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll
never know.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an
idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies
honour, which is probably more than she ever did.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other
hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take
cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than
rhubarb does. Now, uh...Now you tell me
what you know.
Military justice is to justice what military
music is to music.
Man: "I would like to say goodbye to your
wife". Groucho: "Me too"
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Behind every great man stands a woman, and
behind her stands his wife.
I must say that I find television very
educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a
book.
Time wounds all heels.
Anyone who says he can see through women is
missing a lot.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in
terms.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject.
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of
extreme poverty.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar
is always a smoke.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for
duck hunters?
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in
If I held you any closer I would be on the
other side of you
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.
If you can fake that, you've got it made.
It is better to have loft and lost than to
never have loft at all. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to
make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me
a child of five.
Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don't have
a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read
From the moment I picked up your book until I
laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In
fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they
never meet!
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but
this wasn't it.
In a restaurant to a waitress: "Do you
have frogs legs or do you always walk like
that..."
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Seven? That many?
She blushed, and said, "Well, I love my husband." Groucho came back
with, "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while."
Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them
I have others.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your
eyes water!
Who are you going to believe, me or your own
eyes?
Why should I care about posterity? What's
posterity ever done for me?
She got her good looks from her father. He's a
plastic surgeon.
There is only one way to find out if a man is
honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is
crooked.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of
one's fellow man.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts
people like me as members
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
I have nothing but respect for you, and not
much of that.
Gripe Sheet Notes
After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill
out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems
encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the
lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews
the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews
and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged
maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the
solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline
that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem
logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and
action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs
replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause
throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,
and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Proverbs To Live By
"As a matter of fact" is an
expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
But officer, I was only trying to gain enough
speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station.
I don't think they could put him on a mental
hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they would
let him out.
Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist
so we won't always hear "on the other hand..."
The student in question is performing minimally
for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever!
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly
for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will
be worth nothing.
'Tis better that a man's own works, than
another man's words should praise him.
'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view,
and robes the mountain in its azure hue.
'Tis not the fairest form that holds
the mildest, purest soul within; "Tis not the richest plant that holds the
sweetest fragrance in.
'Tis one thing to be tempted,
another thing to fall.
'Tis strange the miser should his cares employ
to gain the riches he can ne'er enjoy.
Completion of any task within the allocated
time and budget does not bring credit upon the performance personnel-- it
merely proves that the task was easier than expected.
Failure to complete any task within the
allocated time and budget proves that the task was more difficult than expected
and requires promotion for those in charge.
A robot must protect its own existence as long
as such protection does not conflict with the first or second laws.
Cost consciousness and sophisticated design are
basically incompatible.
The less management demands of engineers and
scientists, the greater their productivity.
TRC eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
A "critic" is a person who creates
nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative people. There
is logic in this; he is unbiased-- he hates all creative people equally.
A Smith and Wesson beats
four aces.
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to
have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place on a
scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably
atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be
lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
rolled onto the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction
between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should
not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
uncontrollable physical phenomena.
A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity
immediately upon becoming available. This also applies to freeways, closets,
playgrounds, downtown hotels, taxis, parking lots, wallets, purses, pockets,
and so on. The list is endless.
A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
A camel is a horse planned by committee.
A characteristic of the normal child is he
doesn't act that way very often.
A carelessly planned project takes three times
longer than expected; a carefully planned project will only take twice as long.
A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms.
A committee is a life form with six or more
legs and no brain.
A committee is a thing which takes a week to do
what one good man can do in an hour.
A company is known by the people it keeps.
A compromise is the art of dividing the cake in
such a way that each one thinks he is getting the biggest piece.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a
mortgage.
A cynic is a person searching for an honest
man, with a stolen lantern.
A cynic is man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
A dress that zips up the back will bring a
husband and wife together.
A fake fortune teller can be tolerated, but an
authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the
kicking around that she deserved.
A fool, indeed, has great need of a title. It
teaches men to call him count and duke. And to forget his
proper name of fool.
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the
dark.
A free people always has the right to dismiss its rulers,
whom it regards as its servants, at any time.
A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking,
overeating, and chasing women all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A good leader inspires others with confidence
in him; a great leader inspires them with confidence in themselves.
A good name will wear out; a bad one may be
turned; a nickname lasts forever.
A great fortune is a great slavery.
A great many people think they are thinking
when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the
girl doesn't lose her confidence.
A journalist is a grumbler, a censurer, a giver
of advice, a regent of sovereigns, a tutor of nations.
Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.
A king's castle is his home.
A lie in time saves nine.
A light heart lives long.
A light supper, a good night's sleep, and a
fine morning have often made a hero out of the same man, who, by indiscretion,
a restless night, and a rainy morning would have proved a coward.
A little help at the right time is better than
a lot of help at the wrong time.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost
moment of time never.
A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first
time he bites off more than he can chew.
A man is never astonished that he doesn't know
what another does, but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in
not knowing what he does.
A man never discloses his character so clearly
as when he describes another's.
A man said to the universe, "Sir, I
exist." "However," replied the universe, "the fact has not
created in me a sense of obligation."
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
A man who can't mind his own
business so not to be trusted with the king's.
A man who studieth revenge keeps his wounds
green.
A man with one watch knows what time it is; a
man with two watches is never sure.
A man's legs must be long enough to reach the
ground.
A meeting is a place where people get together
to talk about what they should be doing.
A memorandum is written not to inform the
reader but to protect the writer.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush
knows the corners.
A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can
throw at a man.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the pants.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A perpetual holiday is a good working
definition of hell.
A person who can't lead and won't follow makes
a dandy roadblock.
A phenomenon known to anyone who has ever lit
fires: You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a
forest fire while you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the
Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
A picture is a poem without words.
A piece of electronic equipment is housed is a
beautifully designed cabinet, and at the side or on top is a little box
containing the components which the designer forgot to make room for.
A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree
and then started to root around the tree. A crow remarked, "You should not
do this. If you lay bare the roots, the tree will wither and die."
"Let it die," said the pig, "Who cares so long as there are
acorns?"
A pipe give a wise man time to think and a fool
something to stick in his mouth.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have
other nasty habits.
A politician will always tip off his true
belief by stating the opposite at the beginning of the sentence. For maximum
comprehension, so not start listening until the first clause is concluded.
Begin instead at the word "but" which begins the second, or active,
clause. This is the way to tell a liberal from a conservative--before they tell
you. Thus: "I have always believed in a strong national defense, second to
none, but..." (a liberal, about to propose a $20
billion defense cut).
A pretty woman is a welcome guest.
A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory
course varies inversely with his likelihood of having to do it.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long
experience.
A quick response is worth a thousand logical
responses.
A real friend is a person who, when you've made
a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
A realist lets circumstances decide which end
of the telescope to look through.
1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a
Clam" (seen on
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"
(seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I
Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now"
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters"
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do
You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A. M." (on a baby-size shirt)
9. "Finally 21,
and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since15"
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED
THEIR KING"
11. "
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes
bundled with the software"
13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A
GUN"
14. "A hangover is the wrath of
grapes"
15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins
with a cash advance"
16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country
Music"
18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new
experience for a moose"
19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow
Disease' was already taken"
20. "He who dies with the most toys is
nonetheless dead"
21. "Time's fun when you're having
flies... Kermit the Frog"
22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN... Cops
have nothing to go on."
23. "FOR
24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T
BELIEVE IN GOSH"
25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS,
but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth...
after we're through with it."
27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies
like a banana."
28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a
chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch
back 20 years."
30. "The trouble with life is there's no
background music."
31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE
NEXT KLEENEX?"
32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
33. "The original point-and-click
interface was a Smith & Wesson."
34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED
WHEAT"
35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they
nybble a bit."
36. "Computer programmers know how to use
their hardware."
37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by
Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
38. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting
many is research."
41. "My husband and I divorced over
religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
