Classic, great quotes, collected from the web
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife
Whatever it is I'm against it.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is probably more than she ever did.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh...Now you tell me what you know.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Man: "I would like to say goodbye to your wife". Groucho: "Me too"
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Behind every great man stands a woman, and behind her stands his wife.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
Time wounds all heels.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
In a restaurant to a waitress: "Do you have frogs legs or do you always walk like that..."
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Seven? That many? She blushed, and said, "Well, I love my husband." Groucho came back with, "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while."
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that.
Gripe Sheet Notes
After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Proverbs To Live By
"As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station.
I don't think they could put him on a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they would let him out.
Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won't always hear "on the other hand..."
The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever!
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth nothing.
'Tis better that a man's own works, than another man's words should praise him.
'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view, and robes the mountain in its azure hue.
'Tis not the fairest form that holds the mildest, purest soul within; "Tis not the richest plant that holds the sweetest fragrance in.
'Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall.
'Tis strange the miser should his cares employ to gain the riches he can ne'er enjoy.
Completion of any task within the allocated time and budget does not bring credit upon the performance personnel-- it merely proves that the task was easier than expected.
Failure to complete any task within the allocated time and budget proves that the task was more difficult than expected and requires promotion for those in charge.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the first or second laws.
Cost consciousness and sophisticated design are basically incompatible.
The less management demands of engineers and scientists, the greater their productivity.
TRC eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
A "critic" is a person who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative people. There is logic in this; he is unbiased-- he hates all creative people equally.
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place on a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled onto the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity immediately upon becoming available. This also applies to freeways, closets, playgrounds, downtown hotels, taxis, parking lots, wallets, purses, pockets, and so on. The list is endless.
A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
A camel is a horse planned by committee.
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer than expected; a carefully planned project will only take twice as long.
A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms.
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour.
A company is known by the people it keeps.
A compromise is the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each one thinks he is getting the biggest piece.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
A cynic is man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
A fake fortune teller can be tolerated, but an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around that she deserved.
A fool, indeed, has great need of a title. It teaches men to call him count and duke. And to forget his proper name of fool.
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
A free people always has the right to dismiss its rulers, whom it regards as its servants, at any time.
A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.
A gift of flowers will soon be made to you.
A good leader inspires others with confidence in him; a great leader inspires them with confidence in themselves.
A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts forever.
A great fortune is a great slavery.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.
A journalist is a grumbler, a censurer, a giver of advice, a regent of sovereigns, a tutor of nations. Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.
A king's castle is his home.
A lie in time saves nine.
A light heart lives long.
A light supper, a good night's sleep, and a fine morning have often made a hero out of the same man, who, by indiscretion, a restless night, and a rainy morning would have proved a coward.
A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew.
A man is never astonished that he doesn't know what another does, but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does.
A man never discloses his character so clearly as when he describes another's.
A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist." "However," replied the universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
A man who can't mind his own business so not to be trusted with the king's.
A man who studieth revenge keeps his wounds green.
A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.
A man's legs must be long enough to reach the ground.
A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what they should be doing.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners.
A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can throw at a man.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
A phenomenon known to anyone who has ever lit fires: You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire while you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
A picture is a poem without words.
A piece of electronic equipment is housed is a beautifully designed cabinet, and at the side or on top is a little box containing the components which the designer forgot to make room for.
A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree and then started to root around the tree. A crow remarked, "You should not do this. If you lay bare the roots, the tree will wither and die." "Let it die," said the pig, "Who cares so long as there are acorns?"
A pipe give a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating the opposite at the beginning of the sentence. For maximum comprehension, so not start listening until the first clause is concluded. Begin instead at the word "but" which begins the second, or active, clause. This is the way to tell a liberal from a conservative--before they tell you. Thus: "I have always believed in a strong national defense, second to none, but..." (a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion defense cut).
A pretty woman is a welcome guest.
A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies inversely with his likelihood of having to do it.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses.
A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope to look through.
1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a
Clam" (seen on
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now"
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters"
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A. M." (on a baby-size shirt)
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since15"
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software"
13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose"
19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken"
20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
21. "Time's fun when you're having flies... Kermit the Frog"
22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN... Cops have nothing to go on."
24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth... after we're through with it."
27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
38. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
41. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."